Rather, it was that I had mistaken the means for the end on a fundamental level, unaware my search for approval was a distorted thirst for the communion of unconditional love. The Bible reading, prayer, and service to others weren’t the problem. I had mistaken the means for the end on a fundamental level, unaware my search for approval was a distorted thirst for the communion of unconditional love. For the ways that my strained spirituality choked my heart of grace and peace, like a fig tree deprived of rain. The end result of all this life-as-performance was utter exhaustion resulting in a form of contempt-if not for myself, then for the failures of Christianity as I knew it to deliver me into the abundant life I had been promised. If there was an audience, it was ultimately one of infinite apparitions who looked and talked like me. An idol, in other words-merely another vantage point for me to look at me-as if peering into a mirror with another one behind me, endless recapitulations of ego growing fainter and smaller. To imagine how the Lord or others perceived me, consciously or not, was often an exercise in allowing the self to look back at its own likeness-not at the real God who loved me.

The one who rarely, if ever, closed his eyes. The proportions would shift and morph with the seasons of life, but what it would take years to see is that the primary audience was neither God nor community but an audience of one. Though in a more aware and vulnerable state, years-ago-me would have admitted those efforts were also for the benefit of the people around me-the watchful eyes of parents and peers, ministers and neighbors. I did know Him personally and had experienced His presence-the guiding hand of the Holy Spirit. But who was I performing for? “There is no deeper joy, no greater energizer, no more worthy use of your time than experiencing God.”Īsk years-ago-me that question and the answer, of course, would have been God. A way of living, moving, and having my being apart from God, all the while being in the company of His people. In case it’s not obvious why this was problematic, I came to realize much later that while each of these things had potential to be for my sanctification, they took on an externality that bordered on (if not fully plunged into) performance. Prayer, Bible study, church leadership, mission trips and service projects, even cleaning the church building-to say nothing of managing behaviors-became the substance of belonging to God’s kingdom. And all the while, I imagined this act of seeking as a host of disciplines, or spiritual practices-the doings of life as a modern Christian in America. From singleness into marriage and fatherhood. 6:33 ESV.) I carried it within me into adolescence, then adulthood. “Seek first the kingdom of God”-this command, spoken by Jesus was among the first words I memorized from Scripture. There is no deeper joy, no greater energizer, no more worthy use of your time than experiencing Him. He has truth to reveal to you-lessons His Holy Spirit will teach you only when you take time to quietly focus on Him … Don’t miss out on the overwhelming blessing of knowing God as you simply abide in His presence. He wants you to know Him intimately-to experience His profound love and presence deep within your inmost soul.

Hidden deep within his heart